Pinocchio

Original Theatrical Release: February 7, 1940

So Pinocchio. Wow. I don’t know if you know this, but Pinocchio is WEIRD.

So I’m ashamed to say that I have not read the original Pinocchio. This is a huge gap in my kids-lit repertoire, and one that I sorely need to fill. Sadly, that means that I cannot compare and contrast Disney’s second animated feature film with its inspiration. However, according to the (admittedly, rather poor) research I’ve done, the Disney rendition of Pinocchio is apparently very cleaned up from the original story by Carlo Collodi. If this is the case, then I’m actually a little scared to read the book, because the movie was enough to creep the bejeezus out of me. And that’s adult me talking – I think I watched this movie once as a child and demanded that it be destroyed. 

As an adult, there are definitely aspects of the film that are…on the disturbing side, but for the most part it’s just very very odd. Like Snow White, I was not alone in my viewing of this film (my boyfriend has graciously chosen to view the occasional film with me), and we spend a good chunk of time just trying to figure out where exactly this film was meant to take place. I know that the book was written by an Italian and thusly set in Italy, and the names - Pinocchio, Geppetto, Figaro the cat – are all very Italian-sounding. But then you take into consideration the lederhosen that Pinocchio is wearing, and the beer steins on Geppetto’s pocket watch, the mountains, and the fact that all the houses look like they’re made out of gingerbread… So Switzerland, maybe? That’s what we decided to go with, what with the Italian/German influences. I didn’t even try to get into the period, because all of the anachronisms hurt my brain.

So, Geppetto is a crazy old toy maker in Switzerland (just go with it) who is obsessed with clocks and music boxes, has conversation with his kitten and pets his goldfish (Cleo, by the way. Not sure that one’s Italian). Geppetto makes himself a little wooden friend (have fun with those innuendos) and then prays that the puppet become real – which is understandable; if anyone needs a friend, it’s Geppetto. And by the way, I wish my cat were as helpful and obedient as Figaro, because if I asked Penny to get up and open the window for me, I just get a nasty look. Like I’m the jerk. Anyway.

I swear I’m going try not to do a full plot summary of Pinocchio, but there’s just SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

Once Geppetto and his crew go to sleep, his little gingerbread house gets broken into by a hobo who decides to take up residence. But it’s ok, because he’s a cricket. Jiminy Cricket, in fact, one of only three anthropomorphic animals in the film. But I’ll get back to that. So Jiminy breaks in, flirts with some of Geppetto’s carved figurines (Jiminy’s actually a bit of a lecher, if you pay attention), and then he settles in. Until the blue fairy lady shows up to grant Geppetto’s wish (and let me tell you, she really let herself go by the time we get to Cinderella.) So now Pinocchio is animated and Geppetto is happy in his mad delusions of fatherhood. Or maybe it’s sweet. Personally, I just kind of got the impression that Geppetto had gone very very mad. Oh, and the hobo cricket has been granted the title of “Pinocchio’s conscience” which comes with a new, less tattered outfit and the promise of a gold metal. If you don’t remember, Pinocchio can only become a real boy if he is brave and kind and selfless, and it’s Jiminy’s job to keep him on track. By the way, Jiminy sucks at this.

So the next day Geppetto sends Pinocchio off to school – because obviously no one would question a possessed puppet in the classroom – but sadly our hero never reaches his destination. Here we meet the only other two anthropomorphic animals in the entire film (everyone else is human – or a puppet), a fact I never questioned as a child and now I can’t figure out why. Surely it’s usually all-animals or all-humans, right? Well, this creepy fox and mangy cat can walk and talk (not the idiot cat) and wear clothes. And again, no one seems phased by this. Oh, it’s AMAZING that the puppet can talk, but a talking fox in a top hat is nothing. Well John Worthington Foulfellow, or Honest John as the fox is known (cause that’s not a red flag) convinces sweet, naïve Pinocchio that school is for suckers and that he should be an actor – it’s much easier to get rich that way. But “father” said to go to school. What’s a wooden boy to do? Well, ask his conscience. Where is his conscience? I don’t know, actually – I think he slept in. Anyway, Jiminy is late to the party and Pinocchio has already been convinced that acting is the right thing to do. Honest John makes the saddest little sack of gold for selling Pinocchio to the world’s creepiest puppet master, and Pinocchio sings one of only five songs with lyrics in the entire film – a fact that still surprises me about early Disney movies, especially since Pinocchio won Oscars for Best Original Score and Best Original Song (for When You Wish Upon A Star, ie, Disney’s theme song). Also, I’m pretty sure “An Actor’s Life for Me” was repurposed for Peter Pan, subbing the word “Pirate” for “Actor”; will reconfirm when I get there.

After the show, Stromboli the creepy puppet master locks Pinocchio in a birdcage and tells him he’s never going home. Meanwhile, Geppetto has left his dinner and his pets to go out in the rain looking for his puppet. In the least subtle attempt at irony I’ve possibly ever seen, we see Stromboli’s wagon wheel away just as Geppetto reaches it, while thunder claps in the background as Geppetto calls Pinocchio’s name. Jiminy, who had again abandoned Pinocchio earlier, shows up again and realizes he’s the worst conscience ever, and the two try to break Pinocchio out, to no avail. At this point the blue fairy shows up again and we see the icon nose-growing scene – something that’s now such a big deal, you would think it would happen more than once in the film. But nope, just the once. So the fairy helps them out, saying this is the very last time she can help, which is a lie because she leaves them a note later telling them about Geppetto and the whale. Wait, whale? Yeah, that’s coming.

So Pinocchio tries to be a good boy and head home, but who does he run into? Why, his old friend Honest John, who manages to sell him again. Sly as a what now? So off to Pleasure Island they go (again, Jiminy drops the ball with this one), where hundreds of rotten young boys are allowed to drink and smoke and engage in property damage and *gasp* play pool.  Why, do you ask? Because the worse you are, the quicker you get turned into a donkey. How, might you ask? No idea. I think it’s the beer. Either way, the boys get turned into donkeys and sold. Pinocchio and Jiminy manage to escape, but I always wondered what became of all the other donkey-boys, including Pinocchio’s “best friend” Lampwick, the rotten boy who takes Pinocchio under his wing (and doesn’t seem to notice or care that he’s made of wood). So, so creepy. 

Somehow the puppet and the cricket manage to swim back to whichever Swiss town borders the ocean with no instances of drowning or wood rot on either part. But Geppetto’s not home! And even though I’m pretty sure it’s only been about two days, the cottage is covered in dust and cobwebs. Also, no sign of Figaro or Cleo. This is where we get that very, very last piece of help from the blue fairy in the form of a note, saying that Geppetto went off looking for Pinocchio and got himself eaten by Monstro the Whale. HOW? I have no idea. But he’s alive, hanging out with his cat and his fish, who he brought with him, inside the belly of a whale, who hangs out really close to shore. Fine. So Pinocchio, who had started turning into – I guess a wooden donkey – ties a rock to his tale and walks along the bottom of the ocean. Jiminy goes with him and somehow doesn’t drown. I’m just going with it at this point. They find Monstro, get themselves eaten, find Geppetto who has somehow not been digested (also Cleo’s sitting fine in her fishbowl, because no salt water got into her bowl) and then they start a fire inside the whale, who is underwater, make him sneeze (can whales sneeze? I need to look into that) and conveniently wash up on shore. And yes, Cleo is still in her bowl. But all this seems to have been too much for Pinocchio, who, of all the living creatures involved in this unbelievable fiasco, is the only one who dies. Not the old man. Not the tiny kitten. Not the goldfish, who again, salt water. Not the cricket, who never once gets stepped on or eaten by a fish (although one saucy fish does start stalking him all flirtatiously). Nope. It’s the puppet, who was never actually alive. 

Until the blue fairy interferes again – but to be fair, she was just making good on a promise at this point. And now Pinocchio is a real boy and knows not to trust talking foxes or anyone with “Honest” in their name.

So what do I think of Pinocchio? I think that’s what happens when you take a messed-up story and try to make it kid-friendly. And are maybe on drugs. So watch it, and then go find someone to give you a hug. Then think about your life. And look, I lied too, because that definitely was one big long plot summary. But my nose still feels the same. Maybe that means I get to be the next wish-granting fairy. Stay in school, kids, just say no to foxes, and remember, never trust a third-party conscience – they’re never there when you need them. And avoid whales. And beer. And pool. And puppets. And maybe Switzerland.

(I’m kidding – go to Switzerland; it’s lovely.)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Original Theatrical Release: Dec 21, 1937

I was fully prepared to not like Snow White.

It’s one of those movies I’ve always thought might be more damaging to young children than anything else, misrepresenting appropriate expectations and behaviours between the sexes. I’ve always been a bit torn about the Disney Princesses™ - I love Disney movies, but I’ve never been okay with the idea of pretty little girls sitting around, waiting to be rescued by some handsome prince they’ve never met (this started well before I even knew what feminism was, though it has snowballed from there). Don’t get me wrong, Disney has made some great films with some kick-ass female characters – but that’s not really what the Princesses™ are known for, and Snow White as been at the top of my shit list for about the last 20 years (wow, I feel old).

So why did I start with Snow White? Well, mostly just because it’s first on the list. About 90% because it’s first on the list. The other 10% felt almost like obligation – not the bad kind of obligation, like doing laundry or going to the dentist (although maybe a little), but almost like I owed it to Snow. Snow White was, and will always be, a big deal. It’s not that it was just the first Disney animated feature, or the first film given the coveted title of Disney Classic, it’s that it was genuinely the first of its kind; that is, the first ever feature-length cel animated film. What does that mean? An hour and a half worth of hand-drawn and painted frames. And a huuuuuuuge budget (rumour has it that Disney had to refinance his house in order to pay for the production). It was also the beginning of a multi-billion dollar industry, not just for Disney, and not just for film – think merchandising, spin-off tv shows, books, video games, theme parks… Snow White was the beginning of everything, so she deserved a screening.

That being said, I hunkered down on the couch and resigned myself to the experience, ready to pay my respect to the (possibly great-) grandmother of animated films. And you know what? It was downright charming. There, I said it.

I was surprised by how much I genuinely enjoyed the experience. The music and the artwork were of course phenomenal – and completely mind-blowing once you call to mind the fact that the backgrounds were all hand-painted the characters hand-drawn, and the music performed by a live orchestra. Also, Snow wasn’t all weirdly proportioned, with a waist thinner than her head – more Royal Doulton than Bratz. That being the case, I was able to really appreciate the care taken with this film. Every scene was slightly, intentionally different to provide a sense of truth and movement. A different jewel glimmering in a cave, Snow’s animal friends constantly frolicking – the little touches. Another thing - it might be the fact that Snow White has been remastered a number of times by its DVD release, but you know that thing with old hand-drawn cartoons, where you know what object a character is going to interact with soon because it’s a slightly different, more obvious colour than the background? Less frequently obvious in Snow White, for whatever reason. One thing that was missed in the remastering, though (and was almost missed by me, except that it was pointed out), was the scene in which the Dwarfs come home to their newly cleaned house and they’re searching for the “evil cleaning monster” (I guess) – at one point, Sneezy is about to do his thing and ruin everything, and all six other dwarfs pile on him to keep him quiet. Now, watch this scene closely, and you might notice that during all the ruckus, everyone’s clothes change colour. Oopsie.

Being a Disney movie, I expected a lot more singing than there turned out to be, and was surprised by the relatively few songs that were actually sung by the characters. Instead the score was incorporated more directly into the film, accenting and providing sound effects for things that were happening on screen – twilling flutes for fluttering birds, slow horns for that turtle who kept trying SO HARD to keep up; of course, this is the way music was used in cartoons of the time, and it’s kind of a shame that we see less of that now. There’s something to be said for allowing music to be part of a theatrical experience, as opposed to coming up with catchy songs with catchy lyrics that you can’t help but sing all day.

That was all stuff I was expecting to enjoy. What I didn’t expect to enjoy so much was telling of the story. First of all, Disney actually kept surprisingly close to the Grimm version, which, for reference purposes, I reread before my screening. Disney did age Snow up a bit (she was seven when she was ordered dead in the Grimm version; typically people place Snow’s age at about 14, based on her size and physique). They also cut out a couple of murder attempts, skipping super-tight corsets and poisoned combs, going straight for the classic apple trick, and they also skipped the evil queen eating what she thought was Snow’s cut-out heart and her being forced to dance to death in hot iron shoes. C’mon, they had time constraints, and they certainly couldn’t cut the 20 minutes of Dwarfish folk singing (that’s the obvious reason, right?). But other than that – the attempted murder, the glass coffin, the housekeeping, the surprising (for a folktale) lack of sexual assault – was all actually pretty bang-on. And cleaned up thought it was, there was still a fair bit of creepiness in the film. The fact that the queen ordered Snow White dead, and her heart brought back as proof (if not dinner) was pretty dark. The scenes with Snow running through the forest, being attacked by looming shadows (of what turned out to be adorable and helpful woodland creatures), as well as the queen’s magical transformation sequence, are both scenes that have stuck with me well into adulthood. That shit was SCARY for a six-year-old. Thunderbolts and ghost screams going into a potion? I wouldn’t want to mess with that. Side note: where on EARTH was Snow’s dad during all this? Does he KNOW what kind of woman he married? HAS HE SEEN THAT CREEPY-ASS DUNGEON SHE CALLS A WORKSPACE?

Now, for years I’ve been under the impression that Snow was a bit of a simpering idiot, and this was my main complaint about the film, but it turns out that maybe that isn’t actually true. She’s sweet, and a little naïve, and she walks like a deer or a very fast ballerina, but she’s also been very sheltered. Though they never really get into specifics beyond “scullery maid”, she seems to have been locked up in the castle, and was presumably not allowed to talk to many people or experience the outside world – for all we know, she and the queen might have been the only people living in that giant, kind of creepy castle. So okay, I can forgive the fact that she happily moved in with a house full of strange little men (fun fact, the dwarfs are never called “dwarfs” in the film) and let some creepy old lady into the house even though she was explicitly told not to. If nothing else, it’s part of the story, so the writers kind of had their hands tied there. But if I had just been dumped and the woods and left for dead, I probably would have done the same thing.

If you really think about what you’re watching, Disney’s actually pretty progressive about Snow and the Dwarfs, (considering it’s the 1930s). It’s Snow who makes the offer to keep house and cook meals for the Dwarfs in exchange for room and board, instead of the other way around like in the original. This actually seems pretty reasonable considering she’s wouldn’t be bringing in an income, and she’d probably be more of a liability in the mine. It’s a job she’s used to doing and is skilled at (scullery maid), so it seems like a pretty straight-forward exchange of services for goods. And say what you want about gender roles, but Snow comes into that tiny little house and she takes charge like nobody’s business. “I know I’m new here and I basically just broke in and disrupted your lives, but I’m not feeding you until you go wash up, which you obviously never do. There will be inspections. Now go.” Girl can run a household. She’s very sweet and adorable while she’s doing it, but it’s very clear who’s in charge.  

So the last, big question is: who runs off to marry some guy they just met?

Well, Disney actually seems to have put a bit of legitimate thought into this one, too. I mean, the two had met previously, when Yon Unnamed Prince heard Snow singing and decided to hop the fence and be a bit of a creepy musical stalker (hey, it worked for Romeo, minus the singing). So there’s that. And if he’d had the opportunity, I’m sure Yon Prince would have approached Snow’s father and asked to take her on some well-chaperoned strolls before negotiating a fair price for her hand, but unfortunately his romantic plans were cut short due to her supposed death. But then he saved her life – doesn’t that seem like a good enough reason to run off and marry someone? Well, it was in the Grimm version – a random prince (no musical foreplay) came to see the beautiful princess lying dead in a glass coffin, he jostles her, she coughs up a piece of poison apple and they run off and get married. At least in the Disney version they had love on their side. The Disney queen’s apple wasn’t just poisoned, it was potioned. With magic. And the only antidote for which was Love’s First Kiss. So really, if you think about it, the fact that the prince was even able to wake Snow is proof enough that things will work out between them, because they’re in Love (Magic says so). So, running off together. Not the most rational decision two people have ever made, but also not the worst. Plenty of relationships don’t have such a solid foundation, and tons of relationships involving years of slow “getting to know each other” time still manage to implode. Anyway, that’s just how these things worked back then. The storybook says they lived Happily Ever After, and I’m willing to go with that.

As a kid, I used to think Snow White was boring and stupid, and the least interesting of the Disney Princesses ™. Although Snow White will probably never be one of my favourite Disney films, having watched it again as an adult, I find that I really do appreciate it, as a story, as a piece of art, and most of all, as a piece of history. And, surprisingly, I don’t think I have any reservations anymore about showing this film to a child – although it is apparently important to have a discussion with young boys about the proper way to woo a lady, because sneaking up on a girl you’ve never met and singing at her is not appropriate. Most of the time.

The Project

So my boyfriend told me I needed a hobby.

I recently got a full-time job - regular hours, actually related to my desired career, the works. It's the first time I've had just one job in a reeeeally long time. I've been feeling very grown up recently. (I hate that feeling.) Suddenly I have evenings and weekends free. So what do I do? Well, there's been one thing on my to-do list for years, something that I've never managed to make it all the way through.

Disney.

I love Disney movies. Animated films in general. Kids books. Fairy tales. You name it. But Disney is a bit of a mountain. I've decided to break it down to something reasonably manageable: my goal is to work my way through the 53 (as of now) Classic Disney Animated Features - specifically, the films produced by Walt Disney Animation Studios. I'm aiming to do a film a day. I figure if I write about it, I might actually make it all the way through.

I am not a film critic, nor any kind of Disney scholar. These are just my adult impressions of the classic films I grew up with - and a bunch that have come out since then.